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[07 Aug 2007|12:04pm] |
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i don't believe in anything.
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| junk it up |
[04 Aug 2007|08:36pm] |
all the parties eventually melt into one.
yeah that's right, i've been going to parties lately.
not inviting you.
and no i haven't been drinking.
not a single time.
i stand there and watch everybody else melt.
this reminds me that i am still a living breathing teenage mass machine!
...
the house is to myself you don't want to know what i wish i was doing
it involves my boyfriend not being on tour
it involves skin on skin
it involves no actual talking
it involves no thinking just reacting
dear god,
please let it be august 17th already.
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| i love todd rundgren |
[25 Jul 2007|03:10pm] |
hello its me!
i am so upset because for some ~*~*unknown~*~ reason my firefox is not working! so me having a horrible memory forgot my passwords to my other livejournal, my blogspot, (thankfully not my myspace oh dear god not that) and my email.
so i figured i'd dust this off anyway, considering its the only password i can remember.
anyway life is life is i'm not even living hardly i'm thinking about moving to christmas island and eating gingerbread men all day.
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[04 Mar 2007|12:20am] |
really really good feeling knowing i have :
only 20minutes away to come and pick me up and stuff our faces with cheesy pizza and cheesy breadsticks and spend lots of money with at target. really really good feeling. workie tomorrow then monday i have no class or work so i'm driving down the beach for the day to visit my grandma i'm pretty excited to see the ocean it's been almost a year.
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| sweetest pen pal ever! |
[03 Mar 2007|12:50pm] |
olive and well: have a gooooooooooood night
olive and well: you deserve it
--
-Pen left the Impala parked sideways across two spaces and they dashed into the lobby, all brown marble and beige linoleum and patched acoustic ceiling, like the lobby in a building full of cheap dentists. At the counter, a heavy black woman looked them up and down, Pen’s purple hair and black lipstick, Josie’s punked out bleach job, her yellow fake fur. Like they were a sideshow act.
“I got a call,” Josie said.
The woman just stared.
“From some Insperctorman-” Pen said.
“Brooks-” Josie said.
“Across the breezeway,” the woman pointed to the twin building out the smudged glass doors.
“I’ll tell him you’re here.”
They waited on the cloth chairs in a smaller lobby, Josie’s hands crammed deep into the pockets of her coat, her whole being reduced to a pinpoint of fear, like the nucleus of an atom about to be split and blow up the world. She had no mind at all, just the tremor in her right foot that would not stop shaking.
“You’re okay,” Pen said, stroking her hair, her neck.
“You’re breathing, you’re okay. What’s taking this fucking creep so long anyway?” She got up, shook the locked knob, kicked the metal door with her Doc Marten, sat back down next to Josie.
“Light me a ciggie,” Josie said, her hands in tight balls in her pockets. She could feel every hair follicle in her scalp.
Pen dug around in Josie’s schoolbag puse, found her cigarettes, Gauloise Bleiu, lit her one, put it between her lips. Josie forced smoke into her lungs, the cigarette helping her remember how to breathe, she removed a hand from her pocket to take it on exhaling.
Her mind was a fist, no thought would enter, except no, no no. IT was the longest five minutes in history. -
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[02 Mar 2007|10:17pm] |
- i spoke to my real dad today on the phone while i was on my break at work. he made me cry and my manager put his hand on my shoulder and asked if i was okay - and when people ask "are you okay" i just cry even more. so i was sobbing in the break room over my cold pizza and went into the bathroom that smells like fresh paint even though it's been painted for a long time now - and just cried because sometimes it's the only thing that can take away the pressure. i took the LONG LONG way home and drove with the windows down, i miss you like fire.
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[28 Feb 2007|12:14pm] |
ICE CREAM CAKE AND COFFEE FOR BREAKFAST
SNEAKING INTO MY PARENTS ROOM TO WATCH PROJECT RUNWAY MARATHONS IN THEIR BED
THE MAIL MAN SEEING ME IN MY UNDERWEAR
THE
SUN
SHINE.
MAILING STUFF ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL
STILL TRYING TO FIND NEW SHOES
THERE WAS MORE, BUT IT HAS ESCAPED ME.
---
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| Tell me about your love affairs, I want to know all the lurid details. |
[28 Feb 2007|02:38am] |
You bring her injured paw closer to the table candle to examine it. "I bite the skin on the side of my fingernails," she confesses. "Someone once told me that there's a whole psychology to it: either you're self-destructive, so you want to hurt yourself, or you're a narcissist, so you literally want to ingest yourself."
And which is she?
She grins and lights another cigarette. "Destructive, obviously."
---
---
Remember the lady with the bad fur coat? remember how we said she smelled like everything wrong with grandmothers and her fingernails were tobacco stained and entirely too long. When your nails get past a certain point they just start feeling foreign, and dirty. Her hair was matted to the front of her sweaty forehead, she took two thousand years to count out her change. The pennies smelled dirtier than usual. The dollar bills were wet and jumbled together in one unnecessarily large ball. She smiled at me with cracked teeth and warm blue eyes, her lipstick didn’t match anything she was wearing. Her heart was on her sleeve, she reached into her large fur pocket and pulled out a pack of marbol reds. She stuck one in between those sandpaper lips attempted to light it -
Uh uh, no smoking in Delaware miss.
“oh I almost forgot.” she smiled at me, stop smiling at me.
She walked out.
Miss you forgot your bag
Smiled.
“you’re so kind.”
If you only knew the notes I was taking.
---
The little boy “let me show you a magic trick” he slips one quarter from the left hand and tells me to close my eyes I close them, black with squiggly lines - “open them back up” and the hand is in my face across the counter he’s smiling missing his two front teeth. “see the quarter was in dis hand and now it’s in dis hand and it’s magic”I smile and there’s no doubt in my head that someday I want to make lots of babies and name them beautiful exotic names - but they all must correlate starting with the same letter at the beginning.
--
“you only got this job because you’re tall.”
My room is a fucking disaster zone of rubber cement, canvas, paints, and cutouts. Hurrah hurrah no class or workie tomorrow. Pz.
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[26 Feb 2007|06:09pm] |
--
my room is a beautiful soft oasis. i spent too much money on new bedding but i finally have the kind of bed i'd always had dreams off - a big soft white cream puff sink into the sheets slinking into the covers underneath hibernation. i feel more alone then i think i've ever felt in my entire life. i've said that before, but this time i mean it. there isn't a single feeling that i could describe - and whatever you think it is you have no idea the volume. saturday night was spent with nicole walker - and for the record she is the only person who when i'm with it's a guaranteed good time and i thank her for that. always. new pretty pen pal and the 28th is dangerously close. i spilled rubber cement all over my new shoes :(
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| THROW SOME D'S ON THE BITCH |
[25 Feb 2007|07:06pm] |
i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealousi'm jealous i'm jealous i'm jealous i'm a jealous [person.]
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| I just want to hold you in my hands. |
[23 Feb 2007|12:46pm] |
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i don't know what it is but lately everything has been making me think "can i turn that into something worth reading" the answer is probably "no" but i'm in one of those "fall in love with everything and turn it into something worth remembering" type moods. couldn't fall asleep until 5 a.m i was up late cutting and pasting in my moleskin i make these posts like, once a month and never follow through BUT IF YOU WANT A MIX LET ME KNOW AND I IF I LIKE YOU A BUNCH I'LL MAKE YOU ONE N MAIL IT IN SOMETHING REAL PRETTY.
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| the joy of repetition really is in you. |
[22 Feb 2007|01:33pm] |
i feel like i'm sort of letting everything slip through my fingertips? or that all the friends who are back home in this first state (tax free) are either pulling away from me, (is it because i'm not single?) or vise versa or something. i broke lent. already. i slept in today because it felt good to be back in my bed (sort of) i need to clean the house. it's really messy, i'm surrounded by about a adozen animals right now. with a bouquet of rotting carnations. and a sticky empty coffee cup. the worst feeling is not knowing what anybody is doing, i used to feel so close with you that it would make my head spin now i feel like the more i reach out the more you just take one step backwards. i know i've let you down, you won't tell me in what way shape or form. i'm left guessing, and i feel like i'm walking on eggshells. my step dad has a black eye, i told him he should make up a really great story as to how he got it but he's going with the honest route "um, at work i got hit with a two-by-four," that's boring. make up something extravagant. a black eye is like a badge of honor, regardless it'll always make you look tough. i'm not tough, not a tough bone in my body. i have a mushy spine, i don't have a backbone anymore. he gave me so much canvas for valentines day, new paint brushes, and new paints. i feel this tremendous amount of guilt because i'm horrible at painting. i'm not good at anything anymore, i think. some people have something where they can go "i'm good at this this and this" if you ask me i draw a blank.
"im good at."
i'm not really secure in any one of my personal talents anymore, i feel like they were never mine to begin with. i probably just fell into them because at the time it was something that connected me better to kellie. to be honest. now i feel like without her around all the time i'm just losing any creativity that she helped spark. i feel like without nicole i don't know how to laugh as loud, and without melissa i don't feel like i'm funny anymore.
this isn't even meant to be a morose update
i'm just passing some time before i have to drag my tired body up and scrub down the counters, sweep the floors, do something just to keep my step dad off my case until it's time for class.
i'll call you while i'm drinking coffee in the cold car waiting for it to be 6p.m
i'll hope you sound like your old self, hope somebody will be happy to see me.
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| You offered your father could be mine. |
[21 Feb 2007|08:47pm] |
We looked at your family tree, and politely declined.
--
"Once you realize that you won't be able to micromanage all the complex facets of your life, everything might suddenly get a whole lot better."
Work went fast, I gave up coffee for lent. Keep in mind I'm not even the least bit catholic, but I figure it's worth a try - one year I gave up ice cream and made it until day 33 until i fell deathly ill with a sore throat and my grandma brought me mint chocolate chip.
It's been downhill ever since.
I need a new hobby to occupy my time while you're away in Europe.
The universe finally feels right again. I get to see Nicole this Saturday, I'm working a lot, classes tomorrow, lil bit of money in my pocket, and despite quitting my raging caffeine addiction cold turkey I feel really good! Day five with no coffee/and or caffeinated drinks (bye bye diet coke,) for the first time since I honestly can't remember I've been able to sleep an entire night through - no interruptions or waking up. Finally getting some much deserved (and desperately needed) REM sleep.
I love you Kellie and happy birthday
Ginger Ale is my new favorite, and I think I'm going to go to sleep early tonight.
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| tonight may be the tonight that I sleep |
[16 Feb 2007|12:27am] |
My professor told our entire class the story of how his one horse town in Pennsylvania was invaded by a satanic cult from California. "They convinced everybody to listen to black sabbath and start burning cows and upside down crosses." I told him that was a great conversational piece for a dinner party, and he added in "yeah then serve up the rump-roast." Cheesy right? But it's people like that who still leave me believing that there are still decent human beings in this world. People who still want to laugh, people who are understanding. It's so icey outside and it makes driving difficult, but oh my god everything looks really stunning at night because all the hard parts are frozen over - it reminds me of one big reflective skating rink on both sides of the road.
Work is exceptionally dull, I know if i stay any longer I'm never going to leave. And no way in any shape or form will I settle for being a cashier the rest of my life.
My mom had me take out $70 from my account and deposit it into my step dads account so we could pay the rest of my brothers college tuition. My last $20 went towards gas and then I dug out some change for a cup of coffee before class. I came home to my mom passed out on the living room floor, and my step dad and little brother racing little remote control cars in the basement.
I have so much on my mind right now and not a single person who I feel can even begin to listen. It's like a times I have so much ridiculous family shit going on I can't even think to function like a normal teenager. He found the fortune I left on the windowsill "don't be afraid to take the next step" I got a whole lot to say, it just takes me a while. It was so good to finally hear the old you - you sounded happy for the first time in a long long time.
I miss
I miss
This weather makes me want to just eat oatmeal and drink coffee with cool whip on the top out of my sweetheart mug Nicole got me last valentines. And not move. For a good couple of hours.
LASTLY AND MOST IMPORTANT : somebody at work told me they cried when Anna Nicole died, "well what did she do that was so great, I mean shit yeah it's sad a person's dead but you're acting like she was mother theresa!!" - "just hope nobody says the same thing about you Erica."
HAHAHAHAHWHUT
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[14 Feb 2007|02:04pm] |
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due to the ice storm that has graced all of delaware my dinner date with nicole is postponed :( now i'm off to throw on some clothes that i doubt are clean, drop my little brother off at work - go into my walgreens and buy myself lots of chocolate. it could be worse, i could have no legs! cyaa
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| the only one : |
[13 Feb 2007|06:12pm] |
who will never break my heart. you're such an asshole.
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[11 Feb 2007|09:59pm] |
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you're like some eternal thirst i cannot quench, or the coldest pair of hands that when you touch turn immediately warm. all the blood in my body is at a crossroads. it's pumping into my heart and i'm feeling everything at the speed of a million marathons. "so when you sweatin' on stage, think of me when you rhyme and don't be listenin' to your homies, they be leadin' you blind"
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